For eight years, my ex-husband abused me in every way imaginable: physically, sexually, psychologically, emotionally, financially…the list goes on.
When it was happening, when my teeth were being punched in, my money stolen, when I was being berated, belittled, and made to feel small from his manipulation, I would ask myself why.
Why is this happening to me?
Why am I deserving of this?
Why don’t I just leave?
Why?
Many years later, and I now know that there are no direct answers to any of these questions. The why comes later.
For a long time, I felt like my life was a bad movie and I had been cast in the leading role. I had been molested when I was young and this left an early scar of violence in my life.
Growing up in my childhood and teens, I was a shy and insecure girl. The perfect prey for men looking to hunt down and exploit all my vulnerabilities.
My ex-husband did this extremely well, and to mine and my children’s detriment.
I remember one time, my ex-husband hit me so hard in the face that it cracked my teeth. The pain was a livewire that moved down my spine, immobilizing me in the moment. As my mouth filled with the heavy tang of blood, I knew this time—like many times before—was serious.
However, despite my pain and the certainty I held, my ex-husband refused to let me go to the dentist.
I’ve reached a point in my life where I refuse to sugar coat it.
He wanted my teeth to fall out so that every time I opened my mouth, I would remember all the things he had told me: that I was ugly, that I was worthless, that I wasn’t worthy of loving.
Unfortunately, for myself and for my kids, I tried to convince everyone that despite all the anger and the violence, there was still love to be found. I felt so guilty that all of this was happening, and I knew that it was negatively impacting my children. I didn’t want them to think I was a bad mother, but I also didn’t want them to not have a father.
I maintained hope in my heart, and everyday, my ex-husband made sure to rip that hope into smaller and smaller pieces.
Finally, the community around me made me realize that I had to get myself and my children out. We moved into government housing and slowly, began to pick up the broken pieces of our lives, our hope, our hearts.
But despite this, I continued to struggle. I was a single mother with no child support, no job, and no money—not even enough to buy milk. For so much of mine and my children’s lives, all we had were each other and shared trauma, and now it felt like we had even less.
So, when I first walked through YWCA Peterborough Haliburton’s doors and sat down with their supportive counsellor, I was certain that I didn’t want to live anymore.
If not for the organization’s help and the love and support of my children, I probably wouldn’t still be here.
At YWCA Peterborough Haliburton, I found a safe space where for the first time in a long time, I was able to just be myself, fully and freely, and to learn what that even looked like.
The organization helped me realize that what I had been through wasn’t love and helped me get the resources I needed to finally see a light in the darkness I had been living in. They also helped me get my teeth fixed. And, in fact, I was the first recipient of a dental initiative that was taking place at the time.
In body and mind, I began to rebuild myself.
And, with this supportive network at my side, I began learning how to thrive again.
I got a job working security at the Brock Mission, and just six weeks later, this transformed into a client-facing role where I was able to start turning my story and experiences into something that could help others rather than just a weight that I was carrying with me.
I was initially worried that I wouldn’t get the position because I lacked schooling, but the Brock Mission saw what my ex-husband hadn’t seen, and what YWCA Peterborough Haliburton had helped me to discover: I had a strong voice and was determined to use it for good.
I often say that my job and my coworkers are an extension of my family, and together, we work to pass on this positivity to the men we help. Together, we’re working on breaking cycles of violence, and this wouldn’t have been possible if my community hadn’t reached out, and if I hadn’t been given the chance to build my confidence and start again.
In reflecting on my story, I know now that the hope to fight is the biggest fight of all, and it’s a fight I continue to choose to win everyday.
While voices still sometimes whisper in my mind that I’m not good enough, thanks to YWCA Peterborough Haliburton, my children, and my job, I have the skills to not listen to anything by myself and what I know to be true.
After a couple of counselling sessions at YWCA, I told the supportive counsellor that one day, I would be healed and able to give back.
I can confidently say that I am living that promise I made to myself all those years ago.
So, here’s the why of it all: I am living a life where I lead with my heart.
My ex-husband didn’t pick good things, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t.
So, today, I pick love.
I pick my children who are empathetic, polite, and understanding.
I pick to support my community.
And most importantly, I pick myself.
I’m so grateful to still be here and to be able to share this story with you, and I hope you will take my message as an opportunity to give back. I believe that is critical for YWCA Peterborough Haliburton’s vital programs and services to continue to be supported.
Without YWCA Peterborough Haliburton, I would not have been able to branch out into my new life. The organization provided resources tailored to my individual experience and needs, and it is because of these resources that I was able to begin my healing journey.
Just as I have made the decision to, so too do I hope that you will take this chance to lead with your heart. All it takes is one choice to change someone’s life for the better.
With all my gratitude, Shari
*Note Shari is a real woman who has benefited from YWCA’s services.
P.S. Did you know that YWCA relies on donor support to fund up to 1/3rd of their program and service costs? With violence against women becoming even more common in Peterborough and Haliburton, it has never been more important to support our safe spaces.
To donate to this year’s Holiday Appeal Campaign, click on the image below. Any amount makes a big difference in the lives of the women, children, and gender-diverse individuals we serve!
Thank you for your generosity!
